I sat in my chair for 30 minutes before I could write anything. I have so much to say, but I don't know how to interpret or communicate most of it. I am truly a mess. some are trying to convince me I'm a beautiful one. I might sort of kind of believe them.. sometimes. I am listening to Explosions In The Sky. ah..music with no words. It's so good, it doesn't need words. I generally like music for the meaning that's found in the lyrics, but I'm not good with words lately. Tears, grunts, screams and laughter work better. Prayer. maybe no words need to be spoken. I continually give God my frustrations, anger, sadness, rebellion, tears, and regretfully slim, moments of gratitude. no words are needed. he knows. maybe we aren't so far apart after all. maybe we are closer than ever. My honesty scares me. when I'm honest, it's messy, hurtful, ugly, discouraging and overwhelming. I am so tired. tired of living between light and darkness, beauty and chaos, truth and lies, sin and purity...just tired. But my hands are open. they're open to what You can give. My mind is confused and my heart is aching, but my hands are open. Jesus, take them, love them, heal them, and show me life again.

Come to find out... I didn't know this, but the song I have on repeat is called "Your Hand in Mine." Album: "The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place." Coincidence? I think not...